Hello

I'm going to put this idea* out there, just so when someone else comes up with it, I'll be able to say I had it first:

Though the most prevalent themes of novels (love, betrayal, struggle) are timeless, novels written in the past 20-30 years have increasingly referenced pop culture. But as time moves on, many of us forget these references, especially if they are arcane (i.e., who the second--in-command was for the Viet Cong) or lame (most pop culture phenomena of the 80s).

So, why not write a book that includes pop culture references throughout but has the e-book reader of today, and tomorrow, specifically in mind? Since most e-book readers have built-in wifi, the author has the opportunity to update his/her book every few years with more modern references if s/he wants the work to be more current.

A book written today (11/1/2010) could mention Dr. Phil, but a book written a thousand years from now would reference Dr. Zoidberg.

*This idea may be stupid and/or impossible to achieve.

I Hope You Choke on Your Madeleine

I don't know if you buy books, but I used to. Now that I have a library card, I rent books.

Or I would rent books if any of the books I'd want to rent were in stock. They are often not in stock. There is no guarantee at the library like there is at Blockbuster.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Nowadays, all the new books by my supposed favorite authors are the same!

The same!

I use exclamation points sparingly, so when I mean they're all the same, they're really all the same!

Memoirs!

How I dread when my favorite novel writer eschews making up stuff to pen a book about himself. How self serving. How unprofessional. How blogger-esque!

That is not a winning plan!

I blame it all on Dave Eggers.

(Side note: At Wash U, Eggers handed out five-dollar bills to everyone who came to see his talk...but me. I am still bitter about that. It's not the money; it's the principal. I passed instead of pocketed, like Milton in "Office Space" during Lumberg's birthday party. I had to flex my combo sub that day. [Footnote to the side note: That last sentence was hilarious if you went to Wash U between 2000 and 2004.] So there is pent up frustration with Eggers. That, and after writing some decent books, we became a magazine editor. Lame.)

Eggers wrote a book about himself that was somewhat funny and sad but, like the New York Yankees or the Spanish Armada, did not live up to its billing. It wasn't really as good as everyone said it was.

Of the current New York Times best sellers, so many of them are memoirs. Alan Alda, Jerome Bettis, Princess Diana's butler, Josh Grogan (Marley & Me), Nora Ephron, Lou Holtz and Jeannette Walls (The Glass Castle) all have tell-alls on the list.

What 20-something gives a rat’s ass (that’s the technical term for a “flying f*$@”) about a washed up actor stuffing his pet? He should have retired after M*A*S*H and live off royalties. And then he’s an Emmy-nominated actor on the West Wing?! Let someone else take the stage/write a book.

In other words, Alan Alda’s 15 minutes are up.

Of course there were memoirs before Dave Eggers. But no one my age read them before him. All of the above-mentioned people are 15 to 50 years older than me, and they've done a lot more in their lifetimes.

Eggers didn't do anything. Things just happened to him. He wrote a book about them. He got published. Then he becomes editor of fiction anthologies. (That last one is the kicker. And by "kicker," I mean its traditional definition. Not the "I need to show a cute animal in the last 30 seconds of my newcast" kicker. That's called a "kicker," too.)

Of course, they're making movies out of all these memoirs. "Running with Scissors" is out soon, based on the book with the same name. It's about a crazy psychiatrist taking care of someone else's kids.

When I bought the book, I thought it would be about, wait for it, "running with scissors." A "things-I-learned-growing up" book. With a sharp pair of shears playing a big role. (Note: I have not finished the book and have no plan to see the movie, so this panning of the book is based on having read only 1/5 of it.) Anyway, no scissors. Just some loony psych guy.

I've already met a loony psych guy. He was my prof freshman year for social psych. He said Wash "warsh," so he was as St. Louisian as toasted ravioli. He was unkempt like the lead in "Running with Scissors." So that was enough for me.

Speaking of St. Lunatics, Jonathan Franzen came out with a memoir. He wrote The Corrections and The Twenty-Seventh City. Those are two of my favorite novels. I was waiting years for his new book. And it's a memoir.

He’s not that old. He should be writing novels, but he chose to write a memoir.

I hope he chokes on his madeleine.

(If you don't get that, see "Little Miss Sunshine." If you still don't get it, look up Marcel Proust.)

You'll get it then. Just like Franzen should get it.